I am questioning why I exist. At home, I would be in bed with cats eating whatever doesn't need effort and drinking. At my parents, I was awake most of the night just tossing and turning and checking to see if my mom was up. I am "recovered" but ashamed to eat at night because I am hungry. Then I wait until my dad leaves for work to drink the vodka in my car to maybe sleep. I was too afraid that one of them would hear the door if I went at night.
Now I am eating and wondering if my mom will wake up. Will she say anything? I honestly don't care if I get kicked out. I will just die if they don't want me. I don't think I was meant to be.. but drunk I can just watch Netflix and forget. Does anyone else feel they weren't meant for this world?
I feel like that a lot.
ReplyDeletePlease be careful. Have you spoken to anyone about the rubbing alcohol? I get it if you feel you can't talk to your team about it, that's completely understandable, but maybe someone at AA, or if there's a helpline that could at least give you some information (whether it's a nurse on call type service or even poisons information)? It's really worrying. I don't want you to think I'm encouraging or enabling, but in the way of harm reduction, wouldn't something like mouthwash be less dangerous, as it's actually meant for consumption to some extent? Obviously it'd be much better to not drink or even to have actual alcohol that's safer to consume, but the thought of you drinking rubbing alcohol scares me. I was getting really worried that you hadn't posted in a week, thinking that something had happened to you because of it.
I really hope you don't get kicked out. It seems it's all that's keeping you going right now. And as much as you mightn't care if you live or die and feel you don't belong in this world, I don't want anything to happen to you.
Feel free to email me or find me on Facebook if you want to talk, okay? I'm at too-much-not-enough@hotmail.com
If it helps (I know this doesn't make it OK), I looked online about the rubbing alcohol first, and I did mention it the last time I went to the ER. I am trying not to do anything terrible. I try to think of my readers and my cats when I have those thoughts
DeleteAnd they haven't kicked me out. I can't imagine they don't know I am drinking, so I think they know that I am barely functioning. I am trying to make sense of it all
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