Staying alive

I am mainly writing to say I am still around. If anyone has read my recent posts, I didn't want to worry anyone by not writing.

Things are still pretty rough. Yesterday I went back to my apartment. I went to AA first, and I cried pretty uncontrollably. I was still very much in my head and not sure what I could say. I didn't want to say I am suicidal. I haven't really told anyone that. But yeah.. uncontrollable crying.

My friend B was there, and she asked me to hang out afterwards. She pretty much insisted I get in her car. We did an errand she needed to do, and we went to my apartment. I picked up my tablet and some more clothes. We discussed what to do with the apartment.. what I am keeping and what I am getting rid of. We didn't actually clean anything. Then I spent a few hours hanging out at a house she is petsitting at. I think the plan is to work on the apartment Tuesday.

I don't remember if I mentioned the conversation with my parents last week. It was basically that they talked to my counselor from rehab about wishing there were more resources to help people with severe depression. I made a comment about how having insurance means that I might not get much assistance. My mom said that I will lose my insurance. I don't know if they are assuming that I am not going to get a job or that I am not able to work.. or I am just overreacting. In my mind, it made me feel lazy. Like I should be looking for work, which I planned to start soon. I wanted a week to focus on treatment and getting used to being home. But of course my reaction was to apply for a bunch of jobs. I assumed that I wouldn't hear back right away, but I received an email from one company asking me to come do a typing test Monday morning. That would mean skipping php. I ended up deciding to reply that I couldn't come Monday and see if they respond. Then I got an email about a cashier job I applied for. They want to schedule an interview for Monday. I panicked and cried while debating if I should go. Honestly, I don't think I am well enough to work retail. I don't think I can handle php, cleaning my apartment, and that. I called B and she agreed that it was ok not to respond. It feels selfish but what I did afterwards is further evidence that I am not well.

I swear if my parents looked at my recent Google searches, that would be a bad conversation. Basically, I have searched repeatedly about the effects of overdoses on each of my meds. After the conversation with B, I decided to go ahead and take 4 or 5 extra wellbutrin. I am not sure how many and 3 buspar. Nothing happened. So I later took 3 duloxetine. Still no problems.. although I am sure my liver isn't happy with me. I didn't expect to die. I think I did it on the off chance that I would have a seizure and end up in the hospital.

I know I should be in the hospital. I spend too much time thinking about self destructive things, and it was far too easy to convince myself to take the pills. Still, I don't want to go. I don't want to seem like this is about attention or avoiding responsibilities. I also know that I do have things I should be doing. I do wonder if I feel more comfortable inpatient than out in the real world. There is something really appealing about it. I get to be surrounded by crazy people, so I don't feel different. The world becomes tiny and controlled. I don't have hope or dreams for the future, so it is easier to focus on the present when I am locked away. I don't know if I am going to tell anyone what I did.

I am probably going to take a break from job hunting. I probably should ask my doctor if I should be working. I need to only apply for jobs that I am interested in. Cashier at an electronics store sounds miserable. I am also considering trying ECT again because I don't think my meds are helping. I can't really work and do that. I am trying to not get overwhelmed by everything I need to do. So for now I am just going to sleep.