Tuesday, June 27, 2017

"I hope you don't kill yourself"

Well, I am back at my parents house. I am still unsure what I am doing. They still haven't really said anything about me getting kicked out of rehab. My mom doesn't seem obviously angry, so I am hoping they understand that I was kicked out for depression not for being stubborn or non compliant.

I called another rehab yesterday. The person on the phone said that insurance is not likely to pay for residential since I am sober, but I set up the assessment.

I went today. I initially didn't mention last week's behavior when asked about suicide attempts. I just mentioned the thoughts. I finally at least mentioned the shoelace. I didn't mention the belt. The counselor said he would recommend residential, but that he needed to talk to his supervisor based on the recent suicidal thoughts.

He came back and said because of the eating disorder and suicidal thoughts he would have to recommend a different facility. He said insurance may not cover any chemical dependency program because I am 13 days sober. He said the other option is a psychiatric hospital I have been to several times. Then he said "I hope you don't kill yourself" and I must have some purpose in the world or something like that.

Is it just me or is "I hope you don't kill yourself" a weird thing to say to someone after turning them away from a treatment center?

So I guess tomorrow I will try the other place. I honestly don't want to go back there. It's the place where I managed to self harm quite a bit, but I have some bad memory associated with every psych ward at this point. I just don't think my parents will let me go home without going somewhere.

The thing that bothers me is that I am not suicidal now. I don't know if I need inpatient. I might end up that way if I go home. I might drink if I go home. But right now I am ok. So I feel ridiculous going inpatient. I guess I will see what they say. I mean so far nobody seems too convinced by my "I wasn't trying to die" defense for last week's behavior.

So tomorrow I will re-pack my bag with psych ward appropriate clothes and call the facility. It's also the place where the cafeteria woman kept giving me grief about how the dietitian (who I never spoke to) didn't put in my chart that I was vegetarian and acting like I was trying to pull something. I stopped going to meals eventually. Hopefully, she doesn't still work there. I probably won't update if I get admitted. I will if I don't.

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