Denial and poor choices

So I am mostly trying to avoid thinking about what the doctor said about my liver. I am also at times actively in denial.

My brain's 2 main arguments
1. The ultrasound may have shown fatty liver and possibly cirrhosis, but my billirubin dropped from 4 to 3.1, and I am no longer jaundice. That means my liver is better than when I was last in the hospital. (There is some validity to this)
2. She mainly said fatty liver, which is a benign condition and possibly early cirrhosis

So technically both arguments are true, but they ignore the whole point which is my liver is damaged. It also ignores the fact that I am not taking any steps to prevent making it worse. I am still drinking. I have not made any changes to my diet that are suggested (lower fat and lower salt). I had Taco Bell for lunch and dumped tons of salt and mustard on my chicken at dinner. I am admittedly torn between the need to eat better and just needing to eat. I get sick when I don't. I have lost some weight, which is not bad, but I can tell I mostly lost muscle. I mean healthy people don't leave their laundry in the car for days because they are too weak to carry it up the stairs. I also don't trust myself to walk up stairs without holding the railing ever since the time my legs gave out.

I am making other poor choices. I am not taking my meds. I don't think they were helping. I also am too embarrassed to admit that I am not sure what I am supposed to be taking. I know the 2 antidepressants, but I don't really remember him telling me to stop the wellbutrin or if I am just supposed to be on Seroquel for sleep or also doxepin. I don't think this is entirely my fault. He mostly just talks during appointments rather than focusing on the medicine. He gives me scripts with 5 refills, which given my tendency to not make appointments unless I need Seroquel, is idiotic. I am thinking of finding another doctor. He also keeps trying to give me amphetamines, and I really don't know why. It is amazing of me to continually tell him no. I mean he thinks I am bipolar and he also knows I have bad anxiety. Why on earth would he offer me Adderall? Last time he asked why I stopped the Vyvanse (prescribed for binging), and the answer is that I know I only wanted it so I could eat less. I tell him Ritalin makes me manic and crazy. We have had this discussion several times. I really would love something to give me energy, but I logically know I do not need it. I really need a doctor who listens, who acknowledges all my diagnoses (you don't offer amphetamines to someone recovered from an eating disorder), and who clearly communicates what I am taking and why. I admit some of this is that I have trouble remembering what he says because 1. ECT and alcohol have damaged my memory and 2. I have this tendency to shut down when anxious. My brain shuts off and I only remember bits and pieces.

Also when I explained the situation at work, he asked if I thought they were trying to get rid of me. What doctor fucking suggests that kind of idea to a patient?

Work is.. I don't know. My supervisor finally at least started my competency test. I was incredibly frustrated because she was simultaneously trying to get me to do other things while interrupting me for the test. Like I am supposed to be closing more and she is trying to get me to stop to do other things. Plus, she just did little things that irritated me. Like when I was being tested over exporting data, she kept taking the necessary papers away because she didn't want me to cheat by looking at them. But I can't start exporting properly without those. Previously, I have just been allowed to export a plate like I normally would while explaining what I was doing.

Then just in general I am frustrated. I told her about the liver stuff since I had previously told her I was concerned about it. She said we should talk with the manager there but she was busy. I went back to my desk and she asked if I had talked to the boss since that was supposed to be a daily thing. I said the boss hadn't been in her office and I had basically been waiting to see if she asked to talk to me. I asked if I should go ask her. Well, she was busy. Then both the boss and manager left without saying anything to me. So I don't know if I should tell the manager and basically feel unimportant. I am also unclear as to whether the boss still wants to chat everyday since I had to ask to talk to her and she left without mentioning it. In some ways it is reassuring because I am not being treated like the crazy one, but I also feel like they don't care anymore?

I did finish a full plate today. I am hoping once the competency test is done, they will let me go back to closing. I am bothered that the trainees can see that I am not allowed to close because I worry that they don't see me as experienced. In the middle of the competency test my supervisor said something to a trainee who clearly didn't understand what she was telling her to do. I am not sure what the supervisor thought that I stopped answering the test questions to ask the trainee to come to my computer so I could explain, but I simply could not not explain. I just think they view me as training because I can't close and not as someone with more experience than anyone besides the supervisors (and one person who was hired when I was).

I should go to bed. I am having brunch with a friend in the morning. The first of several planned social activities this week. I am going to do my best not to cancel any of them.