So I have very much been feeling lately like I am going crazy.. this has been going on for a couple weeks, but I honestly cannot remember how much of this I've mentioned.. so I may be repeating things.
It's very strange actually that the thought is frequently in my mind that I'm going crazy or I'm going mad or substitute whatever word or phrase my brain uses to describe it that day.. or what I say.. I've been thinking out loud more. Like I talk to myself a bit.. "We're going to do ______" or "Let's do this" except saying this out loud these days and not in my head. Or the other bit is that sometimes in my head I have to repeat myself. Like think the same phrase/thought twice. Never was quite sure that one made sense to anyone if I try to explain it. It's an obsessive thing. I was never diagnosed as OCD, but have been told I have OCD traits.. and honestly my current therapist is really obsessed with the idea of me having it. Like she's convinced all sorts of my behaviors/problems are to cover up OCD. Honestly, my explanation is very different.
In my opinion (or experience I guess) the compulsive behaviors and thinking were all learned as coping mechanisms during the couple years in college when I was on no medications. I had manipulated my psychiatrist into thinking I was all better after I got out of high school, and I was a lot better.. and then it all got worse. And I got very depressed. I started cutting and then started purging.. and then all the other crazy happened. I remember that I would count steps walking on campus or sometimes on the tile floor at work.. like it had to be a certain number of steps per square of sidewalk. I couldn't step on cracks.. I had a habit of tapping my fingers on things or just stuff like that. I was always a bit weird about numbers, and that was mixed up with the eating disorder as well.. but I also have never liked odd numbers. For a long time I've had to set the volume on my car stereo to an even number even if it seems too quiet or too loud.
Anyway, my opinion is it all started then to cope with the depression.. but whatever. Mainly my therapist's idea of the ED and everything coming from the OCD is pretty useless since she has no solution for that as the cause.
Those behaviors are back.. mainly the finger tapping.. or banging my wrist on the cart while grocery shopping while trying to make a decision that has me unhappy (like the endless battle about buying cheese.. or fruit). And then the repeating thoughts.
The other crazy is mainly eating disorder related. It mainly has to do with how obsessed my mind is over food. It's how aware I am of what food I've brought to work and what I've eaten. It's buying foods that I then won't eat.. like I have 3 expired yogurts in my fridge now because for a week I was really into greek yogurt, and then I stopped eating it. I cannot convince myself to eat it. I bought sliced apples.. and they're sitting in the fridge.. though largely that has to do with how little I've eaten the last few days I've worked.
Then there was Friday.. I woke up and went to school around noon.. got there at like 11:30ish. I brought an energy drink with me (zero calorie of course). I had thought I was going out to lunch with a friend because she cancelled a couple weeks ago, and last friday I did.. but she didn't show up at school. I had packed animal crackers and some other snack food.. my lunch box tends to end up with a variety of things because I never know what I'll eat, but I decided to go to the grocery store before work. Then I became obsessed with buying something else. I was going to buy fruit.. I stood there on my phone calculating calories in the containers of cut pineapple (which are thankfully sold by weight and therefore easy to calculate). I picked one out and entered the calories into fitbit. I then decided to pick a smaller one, but I left the calories as is.. whatever. I then went in search of something else to eat. I ended up with an individual serving package of cereal (store brand Cheerios basically). Together it would have been around 230 calories. This left some room I said for another snack. I also bought a 2nd energy drink and a diet soda.
I got to work.. and I drank the energy drink. I made a cup of coffee and had that. I had the coke zero. I couldn't convince myself to open my lunchbox and eat the cereal. I left the pineapple untouched in the refrigerator. Somewhere after a lot of this caffeine had kicked in, I went a bit crazy. I tried offering the fruit to coworkers so it wouldn't just sit in the fridge. I made the point of saying I brought it for dinner but didn't want to eat. At some point I was carrying energy drink 2 and called that dinner in front of someone. He had commented that it was 10 calories. I corrected him that it was 20 because it's 2 servings (this was a Monster Rehab which has juice in it). Anyway, I am usually not this obvious about not eating. But it's like I wanted someone to realize I wasn't eating because part of me desperately wanted to eat.. and knew I should eat since I was getting dizzy by later in the evening. I just couldn't do it. I worked for almost 11 hours. I got home around 2 and ate something eventually around 4am because at that point I was hungry and dizzy and couldn't sleep.
Saturday.. I ate another meal around noon of cheetos and tortilla chips with cheese. Then I binged and purged in the evening.. a pizza, breadsticks, cinnamon sticks, a pint of ice cream, fritos with cheese, and I think that's all I ate out of what I bought. I bought more food but didn't eat all of it.
Today I had fritos and cheese this morning.. after having told myself for the past couple days that I am going to try to stop eating dairy, but the argument this morning was that I had already bought the cheese.. so why not. Anyway, that's all I've had. I took all the food out of my lunchbox other than some crackers for if I thought I was going to get sick/pass out. I had an energy drink and a cup of coffee. Now I'm having a powerade zero in an attempt to be healthier.
The goal is not to eat tomorrow. I also need to remember to throw away the pineapple at work because it's probably not good now.
I went grocery shopping and bought 2 Vitamin Water Zeros, 2 Powerade zeros, 2 diet Monster energy drinks (because they're supposedly vegan..) the white one and orange ones. I also bought some random breadstick things because I spent a fair amount of time reading ingredients on things to decide what I could eat if I stop eating dairy.. but out of all I picked up and read, I only bought those because even if I ate the whole box it would be less than 400 calories. I like to figure out what would happen if I ate ALL of something. I also bought Sour Patch Watermelons and Trolli Watermelon Sharks (my current candy obsession that is vegetarian-friendly). I am not planning to take them to work tomorrow.
So I don't know.. it's not really madness I guess... just the eating disorder. Though I have also had some paranoid moments of thinking there's something in my apartment tonight.. like I'll hear any sort of noise or like a bag or paper will fall down and I think it's something.. like a rodent or a giant bug (I guess it would have to be giant to be making these sounds). I have moved things a couple times to see if there was something under or behind them. Nothing.. so that's weird. This sort of paranoia was normal when I was drinking but is odd in sobriety.
I haven't decided on the dairy thing.. like I was telling myself shopping today that I could probably be vegan except when binging/purging... then just vegetarian. And I see the flaw in that thinking.. like how is it less unethical to eat dairy when I'm binging? Except that I won't care as much then.. and will just feel guilty after. Other times, this eliminates several of my usual snack foods.. mainly the Flamin Hot cheetos or regular cheetos that make up about 50% of my intake.. then another large percentage was Parmesan Garlic pita chips.. which will have to become regular pita chips.. and those aren't as good. Also, this would mean no "Pizza Day" on Tuesday which is a new work thing they're trying to start.. I didn't have any last week because the last 2 times I ate pizza at work I tried purging at work and once it didn't work and the other I stopped after only a bit because I was paranoid someone would hear. And so no pizza.. but this is a more socially acceptable reason not to eat it than bulimia is. Same with skipping most catered food or any time they get takeout. They went for tacos today, and I was thinking that the restaurant they were going to probably cooks everything with lard (and I don't think this is paranoia.. it seems like that sort of place that would make there tortillas that way). So I didn't get anything. I had 2 cups of coffee instead.
My supervisor is driving me crazy.. he keeps talking about how he has anxiety and OCD.. and first he said he was going to see a psychiatrist. Now he says he's just going to see a therapist because he doesn't need medication. Then today his mom was guilting him about seeing a psychiatrist. And I am just nodding when he says things.. I am not going to engage in the paranoid, world is ending, anxiety conversations about work. I will just nod and listen. On the other topic.. I don't know what to say. I am NOT going to say in front of anyone else there that I see a psychiatrist and therapist. It also in my head is a bit of a Who's Crazier? contest.. ya know? Like I think he needs therapy or something other than talking to us at work, but I am having a hard time believing this is the huge deal he makes it into. He likes to think and think about the things that make him anxious until he's more anxious. And in my head I want to tell him when he goes on about getting help that he has NO idea how crazy I am. But then I am still holding a bit of a grudge because I said something about losing a lot of weight in a conversation a week or two ago, and he said that I've been the same size since he met me. Which isn't just kinda rude.. but it's also wrong. I've lost over 30 pounds since I got this job. I've gone from my size XL scrubs to a medium and probably should be buying smalls in some brands. I've gone from I think a size 16 to a 10. Actually I just looked this up and since March 22nd when I bought my FitBit scale I've lose 41 pounds.. and I got the job in February, so it is probably more than that since I met him.
So there is probably a slight chance that some of the eating disorder crazy over the past week is to prove a point. If he doesn't think I've lost any weight, then I WILL lose weight. I will make them notice. And if he wants to believe that the job makes him anxious and that I am just fine.. whatever. I'm sure one way or another the crazy will show. Either I'll lose the weight so they notice. Or maybe I'll pass out at work, and that would be fine too (except probably not...). And honestly the past couple days I just don't want to eat. I tried to buy binge food several times last week but had no desire to buy food. I've learned the past few times I went shopping (other than the pineapple which I really thought I'd eat) to not buy perishable foods. I have bought cereal and chips and crackers. Because at least they will just sit around my apartment but not go bad. I am not going to try the yogurt thing again. Or probably fruit. I'll stick to prunes (except honestly those are not something I enjoy I have them because I refuse to take laxatives) and maybe some fruit cups I bought. Except probably not those.. who am I kidding with those..
Ok, I'm rambling. I should be quiet. That's enough crazy for tonight. Thank you if you read it.
