Thursday, July 30, 2015

Another mid-binge update on my current insanity

So lately (although my posts are fairly far apart) I tend to post when either half asleep and should be in bed but still awake due to various pills (will address this) or mid-binge.. not sure why. I think my mind wanders as I eat. Clearly, the statement indicates that things aren't going too well.. so yeah.. they're not

I actually have been eating better.. except I would say that I've gone a bit insane. I'm not sure anyone who isn't in my head (or at least a witness to the behavior) would get this when they see me eat.. but I haven't been binging much. I think it was 3 times this past week that I went to Walmart or the grocery store after work.. I think at least once I intended to buy binge food, and I just didn't want anything. So I bought odd things.. I came home with pretzels, laughing cow cheese wedges, and beef jerky.. and energy drinks. There were also the quests.. I went looking for supplies to take lunches to work. I bought a container to take salads (it has a place to hold dressing and an ice pack to keep it cold). I bought dressing and croutons but not lettuce.. I never actually made any salads. I haven't used it. I bought little divided containers (this is one of the insane ones) and came home and at 2AM cooked carrots and weighed them and divided them evenly between 3 containers, so each had the same calories.. the next day I took one to work and had carrots and mustard for dinner. I made the carrots ate 2AM because I had gone to 2 stores looking for hummus because I wanted individual containers because I knew a large container I would either eat too much or let go to waste.. I didn't end up buying any. I ended up buying powdered peanut butter and sugar free jam, which I only finally used yesterday to make oatmeal.. which I went on a quest after work to buy the oatmeal, containers, and chia seeds for.. (an aside, overnight oatmeal with PB2 in it is awesome)

So on the outside, I actually seem to be eating more.. and I'm bringing a packed lunch to work. On a closer look, what I bring might be a bit strange to some people. Like nobody noticed the carrots and mustard, which was good.. that combination has gotten me odd looks in the past (I love mustard and it's slightly less weird than just eating it with a spoon). I've also lost a bit of weight.. about 6-7 pounds this month. I'm down to 140.7 this morning, which finally puts me in the healthy weight range. No longer overweight. The loss has slowed a lot.. it's really frustrating.

I say that but the weird thing is.. and this is also a bit insane.. the past few weeks I've gone to the same store (Nordstrom Rack.. it's like an outlet store) on Thursday before my parent's house.. the last 2 weeks I tried on a few pairs of pants either size 10, 12, or 31 (which is a 12ish?) from the clearance racks.. and it was the same both times. I'd try on one pair and they'd button but be too small (muffin top situation), and I'd try on the next size up or another in the same size but another brand and they'd be big enough that I'd need a belt.. so I didn't buy anything. I went back today and I only tried on one pair of size 10s, and I swear they're the same ones that were too small either last week or two weeks ago.. and they're perfect.. or actually there's even a little room in the waist. The insane bit is the going back every week and trying on pants.. I really wasn't expecting them to fit. I was just going to buy them and add to the other pair that's sitting in my apartment until they fit.. Those are a size 9, so they're still too small. They will fit at some point, hopefully soon.

And on the whole diet pill topic.. not going great either. I noticed my hands shaking a lot lately. I thought it might be blood sugar problems at one point, but I'm eating better now.. so I'm guessing it's all the caffeine/whatever else is in the pills. I also am getting the anxious/tight chest feeling some nights.. and I am just trying to work despite that. It should probably bother me, but I'm more worried that if I stop taking them I won't be able to function and (worse) my metabolism will crash.. like I don't know if they're helping me lose weight, but I'm scared at this point that I'll gain if I stop. I'd honestly rather risk the damage than risk the weight gain and having to lose it all again..

And I'm consistently staying up until 4am and sleeping until noon.. and just generally going crazy and isolating myself until all my social interaction is with coworkers and maybe cashiers if I go shopping. Oh and my sponsor still texts to make sure I'm taking my medication.. I did finally make a meeting once this week.I feel like soon the crazy is going to start showing at work if my head gets worse.. I have actually let a couple people in on some of the anxiety about school (not going to go there now) but I feel like the rest of the crazy is going to show. Or maybe I'll get it under control.


Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Goodbye to a good friend



This is Mudge (when she was younger). She had to be put to sleep yesterday. Saturday the vet thought she was doing better, but then she stopped drinking water. At first I tried feeding her with a syringe and hoping that she'd start again. Tuesday after work she looked awful. She hardly moved, so I called the vet Wednesday when they opened. I couldn't get in until afternoon, but that gave my parents time to come. I was half aware that this was the end and half convinced she just needed an IV or medicine. The vet said she was dehydrated and that her mouth was ulcerated. Her stomach also hurt, which probably meant the cancer spread. She was in pain. So the best choice was putting her to sleep. We don't have anywhere to bury her because my parents rent their house, and I live in an apartment. The vet said the humane society has a cemetery that they will bury her in exchange for a donation, so I chose that. At least I will know where she is. 

I feel awful that I was a little relieved ( and still very sad) that she wasn't there lying on the floor when I got home last night like the past week. She had looked so tired and miserable. My other cat (the one in my profile picture) followed me around all night. I'm not sure if it's because she's gone or because I'm upset. Mudge was 16, so I had her for a good, long time. I got her as a kitten when I was 13. Odd (the other cat) is only 4ish, so he's still young. 

Anyway, I just wanted to update. That's all I have for now. 

Thursday, July 9, 2015

Over or under reacting? *trigger warning*

A different topic tonight.. back to myself rather than on my cat, although she still has me quite worried.

I had therapy today.. and it was not a very successful appointment, in my opinion. Lately, I am struggling with human interaction outside of work.. not sure why I manage ok at work. Much more predictable, maybe? Narrower range of conversation topics? I did almost cry last night, but this is mainly exhaustion.

I still am not sleeping well.. a combination of stress, poor habits, and various pills. I was up fairly late, so I got maybe 5 hours of sleep.. so I was a bit off during the appointment. At some point she commented (not asked) that I was still not eating.. and I corrected her that I have been eating better. She said I seemed more distant, like I do when I'm restricting. I also wonder if I look thinner? mainly because a coworker commented on how much weight I've lost and asked if I was still losing the other day. I shrugged, and she said I still was.. same coworker has told me I don't need to lose weight. I'm confused because I'm not losing weight.. but that's not the point. I explained to my therapist that I was tired and not sleeping well. I said I was staying up late.. I also commented on the fact that I had not been taking my Wellbutrin, but I had started again.

She starts saying something about me being on Wellbutrin, and does my psychiatrist know I've been purging? There's a risk of taking it with bulimia because it increases the risk of seizures, which is already higher because of electrolyte problems.. or something like that. She says she should call him. I say that he knows.. he knows I have bulimia, and please do NOT call him.. I have a terrible history with anti-depressants. I have been on more than I can list, and the majority haven't worked. This is one of the few that has helped some (at least when I take it), and I don't want her making him take me off it and start the search for something else. I've taken wellbutrin in the past while the bulimia was active, and I've never had any problems.. so why this reaction now?

At some point, I think the topic of sleep came up, and I made a comment about caffeine. She asked if I was taking caffeine pills. I should have just said yes, but I said I was taking diet pills. She asked what kinds, and I gave the names.. for some reason, I don't like people thinking I take caffeine pills. Not sure why.. it seems like something only college kids do. I also gave the brands because I am in a sick, little way proud that I take unusual diet pills. Not that unusual, but not the traditional HydroxyCut and things that are advertised on television. She asks if I'm taking laxatives, which I'm not.. that's one thing I have never gone back to after I stopped during my first treatment. Thank God for that. I did mention the ephedrine.

So now she's insisting I see a cardiologist. Well, I have to go through my primary care doctor to get a referral first (insurance requires this), and my therapist wants me to have made that appointment by the next time I see her in 2 weeks. She offered to call and explain why I need the referral, but I said no.. I am not a fan of that idea. But basically she's convinced that because of the bulimia and the weight loss (like 80 pounds in less than a year) and the diet pills and all that, I might have heart damage. I wanted to comment that I was doing all this and more when I went to treatment in 2007, and my heart was quite healthy. That my blood pressure and tests have always been perfect. So why is she so convinced I probably have a leaky heart valve? I didn't argue..

Why did I not argue? well it would be pointless, but also I suppose part of me acknowledges some risk. Wednesday at work, I felt poorly most of the day.. there's this sort of sensation that I normally equate with anxiety that feels like something is wrapped around my throat. A tightness. I wasn't particularly anxious, so I thought maybe the caffeine? I only just recently added the ephedrine back into the mix.. so maybe that was affecting my blood pressure. I have this nervous habit (that hopefully nobody pays attention to) of taking my own pulse. Not sure when that developed, but I spent the evening checking that it wasn't too fast. It didn't prevent me taking another diet pill and another ephedrine while at work because I was tired. Well, add to the throat thing that I have been getting dizzy randomly again. Not often, but if I stand up too fast or sometimes taking stairs.. I get lightheaded. And the occasional odd feeling in my chest, but that may also have been anxiety. So maybe there is something to the risk. Today, I've gotten dizzy a few times when I bent over and stood up again, but otherwise I feel fine. I didn't tell her any of that because knowing the way she was being about the thought of me taking diet pills, she would probably have decided I needed to go to the emergency room or something.

I actually had been doing better with eating. Now.. this meant mostly eating a bunch of chips or crackers while working and then a meal that usually was a salad... although a salad with chicken and cheese and dressing. Together this probably adds up to a decent amount of calories.. then I usually eat something random again if I don't end up binging and purging... which I am not doing everyday now at least. Tonight I did, and at some point I was standing after filling a bottle of water and my vision went a bit white.. like seeing spots. So I'm thinking dehydration is probably behind a lot of the symptoms.
So I'll probably call my doctor and make an appointment.. if she thinks the cardiologist is justified, maybe I'll go.. maybe I'll just hope my therapist forgets about the whole idea. Either way, tonight I'm taking a potassium pill and drinking some water.. then I need to get some proper sleep.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Update (can't think of a title..)

So I realized I never updated after the cat post, so I thought I would now..
Vet visit 1 it turned out that she has an ulcer under her tongue that the vet says is probably cancerous, although I can't remember what the type of cancer is (some sort of carcinoma). She said it wasn't worth the stress/risk of doing a biopsy since that would involve anesthesia. Surgery isn't a reasonable option, so she gave her antibiotics because it looked infected, pain medication (which are thankfully this transdermal kind that you just rub on their ear, not pills), and then interferon to stop the growth. She also cauterized the ulcer to slow growth and also just help with the discomfort. The key she said was getting her to eat, so I went out and bought a bunch of cans of cat food in a few brands because I didn't know what she'd eat. I also spent some obsessive time (before and after the appointment) trying to figure out how to clean her face and paws (her mouth was bleeding and she'd wipe it on her paws) without actually trying to bathe her (like stick her in the sink).. which ended up being kinda impossible. I finally just washed her paws in the sink today, and that helped. I have wipes to use on her face, but white fur doesn't exactly go back to white.. so she still looks pathetic.
Anyway, she ate ok the first day or so. At least she ate. It's a pain because I have 2 cats, and the other will eat all the food if I leave them unsupervised with canned food out. That means he has to be shut in the bedroom to give her a chance to eat it, and she never would finish it.. but frankly my other cat is kinda fat, so I'm not letting him have the canned food anyway.
Well, then she stopped eating.. or she'd try to eat but not seem to manage to actually eat any. That's hard to explain without watching, but it was really worrying me. She also had more blood in her mouth Sunday night, so I got home last night and she just looked pathetic.. and this is after crying a ton while talking to my sponsor, but that wasn't entirely about this.. but I got upset and called my mom. She told me to take her back to the vet, and she actually called in sick to work yesterday (since it's technically Wednesday now) so she could go with me.. in case it was bad or just since it's overwhelming anyway. Both her and my dad came actually.
Vet visit 2.. apparently her mouth is looking much better, but she thinks maybe she bit her tongue.. probably the blood. I explained about the eating, but she hasn't lost any weight at all since last week.. so that's good. I mentioned she seemed wobbly when she walks, which I hadn't noticed before. She listened to her heart and told me that she has a heart murmur. She said there were pills for it, and since getting her to eat is hard, pills might be difficult.. so I get to crush them up and squirt them in her mouth.. not fun, but at least requires little cooperation. I'm going back on Saturday to see if that helped. She seems to be acting like this is treatable, so I'm trying to feel that way.
She ate a tiny bit before I went to work. I tried just a bit ago giving her some of the high calorie, special kind the vet gave me a sample of, but she wouldn't even acknowledge that. It's chicken flavored, and her entire life she will not eat chicken/turkey flavored cat food. Stubborn. So I tried mixing it with something else, and she ate a little.. but honestly I ended up giving her some with one of the syringes (realize I mean the non-needle kind) because I felt like she needed something today after the vet trip stress.
Yeah... long explanation. That's kinda why I didn't have energy for it. She keeps waking me up in the middle of the night meowing loudly in the kitchen, which was also part of why I was worried enough to take her back.. my guess is it's because she's hungry. I've been getting up and offering her food at least once every night (or whatever time early in the morning) which means I'm out of bed for a long time while she eats, so I haven't been sleeping much. Work was interesting because I was absolutely wired on caffeine and diet pills because I had to be up at 8 to call the vet when they opened to make the appointment, and I had only gone to be after 2.. plus woken up multiple times. My response was over the course of the day 2 cups of coffee with lunch, 2- 20oz bottles of coke zero, 2 cups of iced coffee (which I've been told by others is very strong), 3 diet pills, and I think one Primatene (ephedrine). Enough that my chest felt a little tight at one point.
Other than this.. I started taking my Wellbutrin again after a few weeks without taking it. I admitted Saturday to my sponsor (and her sponsor) to not taking it, so my sponsor now has a reminder on her phone to call/text to make sure I took it. I've honestly been pretty suicidal at times, but I have this long train of thought about how basically I can't because of my cats. Who would feed them? Could my parents handle a sick cat? How much worse would it suck to have their daughter die and then their daughter's cat die in their care? Really kinda ridiculous when the last few ignore the part about me dying mainly.. the concern is about the cats. This has actually always been true. I always had a fear that my parents wouldn't take my cats if I died, and they'd end up in a shelter somewhere and never get adopted. This is the kinda shit I think about in the middle of the night when I can't sleep or when I'm driving home. This is more what I was crying about, but I did not explain any of that at length to my sponsor.
There's more going on, but that's about all I can manage right now. I will try to update the rest at some point.