Irrational thinking and random updates **TW**

So it's been a few weeks since I wrote anything here. Time got away from me. I've been working more the past couple weeks, and my sleep schedule has gotten weird.. and just generally I'm not getting a lot done. So some of this will be scattered updates, but there's one main thing I wanted to talk about because it's been on my mind a couple days now.

So I have been in an eating disorder relapse for months. Behaviors have varied between restricting and binging and purging and some exercise mixed in. Some of it is clearly a matter of coping with stress and emotions. I used alcohol for that, and when I stopped drinking, I did that by binging and purging. There is also a part that is about weight.. or at least that's one of my focuses.

I had this conversation with my therapist a few weeks ago.. and I feel bad for thinking she's an idiot (yes I thought that) because of some questions she asked.. one was basically why I didn't just eat 3 meals and snacks (or something like that) everyday. I thought for a minute to try to come up with an answer other than I just don't want to.. which I thought should be obvious. She doesn't seem to understand that I am not as interested in recovery as she wants me to be. Anyway, at some point the question came up about me owning a scale. I said I had one. She asked why. Really? What did she think the answer would be? Anyway.. that's not the topic I wanted to bring up.. it was just annoying

So I've been frustrated for at least a month that I'm not losing any weight. At least a month. I've been trying to think of different things to try. I tried exercising (that trailed off after I started working later). I tried various patterns of eating or not eating or living off liquids and pills. Binging/purging was always there but never part of the plan. But basically I was convinced that I would maybe lose weight when I would fast or live off liquids, but that I was gaining most of it back when I ate again.. or I was gaining weight when I ate with my parents. All these ideas in my head.

Then I was looking at something with pictures that were taken in early April, and the weight on there was about 15 pounds higher than I was this morning. I was going through the FitBit site tonight obsessing, and specifically, I've lost 13.9 pounds in the last month... that's not what my head has been saying, right?  That's not the same as not losing any weight.. and really I should realize my clothes fit different. And there's some visible differences, but I guess staring at the number everyday doesn't make it obvious. But it just made me think of how fucked up my head is. Somehow I had myself thinking my head wasn't that crazy. That I was just acting crazy.. but that my thinking wasn't distorted. I guess I'm wrong. I mean looking at myself I sometimes see a body that is skinnier.. definitely not skinny yet. Other times I look terrible.. I'm currently trying to believe some of the extra weight and some of what I hate is extra skin..

So I don't know.. I took photos which is when I looked at the old ones and found the old weight.
April 6th(ish) 164

May 20th 147

 
You can tell what I mean about the skin if you look at my arms

And the other random news is that I bought a new car.. entirely unrelated. I think I'll save the story for another update. By new car, I mean it is newer than my old car.. It's a 2006 Hyundai Elantra.. (the old one was a 2001 Neon). It's definitely nicer.  I'll write again soon because I need to complain about work, but now I should probably go to bed.

Just a rant about work and insanity

So I've had a rough 2 days.. well more than 2 days really. Shit has been going downhill for longer than that. I'm still self destructing. Still overdoing the diet pills. Friday night I was upset and stressed over something and ended up deciding to take 1/2 a trazadone leftover from when I used to take trazadone, and then Saturday I slept until 2pm.. like not waking up repeatedly and going back to sleep. Like I woke up at 2:30 (around then) and was like what the fuck? So yeah, crazy, a bit self destructive, occasionally a bit suicidal, but still alive.

So last night.. I went to AA at noon and then school for a bit. I didn't accomplish a lot. I looked at some articles. I think I had forgotten my usb drive, so I couldn't do a lot? My memory isn't working right now. I went to work at 4. It was an odd day in that there wasn't enough of our usual work, which is just preparing reports to send to doctors. I had a pile of re-runs waiting when I got there, which are cases where tests had to be repeated. This is usually if something shows up like an illegal drug or if a patient is in rehab (and then pretty much any unexpected result could get them kicked out, so we double check more). So I did that, and then there were more to pull.. and some cases to close, and I can't remember what else exactly.

I got off work around 10, and I decided to go to Walmart. I've been doing this a lot.. sometimes with a goal of buying something, sometimes honestly for exercise (crazy much?).. this was both. I decided to buy an alarm clock since clearly my phone isn't good enough. I got the alarm clock. I bought some water. I debated buying some frozen fruit to make smoothies. I have this irrational fear of fruit though sometimes. This is actually quite an old thing. It started when my ED started. The issue is that you look up calories, and unless you can weigh the fruit you have to decide is it a large strawberry or a medium strawberry? I can remember measuring a plum. I debated buying a kitchen scale so I could buy the fruit, and then I decided that I didn't want to spend that much money on something that was just going to make me crazier.. so maybe I could just under-measure. Then I realized I needed something else to go in the smoothies and went to look at yogurt, and then I gave up on the idea of smoothies. This is all because I bought a blender months ago and haven't used it.

I eventually get home around 11 something, and I get inside and there's a letter posted inside my door. Well, apparently I forgot to pay my rent on the 1st. They give us until the 3rd to pay. I've only ever been later than that once in the 4 years I have lived in this apartment, and the last time it was just a note posted outside the door on the clips that are outside the apartments. This was taped inside (meaning they came inside) and was some legal sounding letter about a notice to vacate and right to change the locks.. and I panicked and called my parents. I had plenty of money to pay, I just forgot that the month changed.. my parents say it's fine and probably just meant to sound scary, and they legally can't do that on such short notice. I hang up and go online, and the website lets me pay rent (plus late fees) but that still doesn't mean that everything is ok, and I still needed to go by the office.. which had to wait. It's fine and my parents were right about the letter just being standard. I went by this morning, but that's the reason I was stressed to begin with today.

So I go to work at 3 today, and I'm still stressed. I'm also supposed to go see my advisor at school tomorrow and I don't really have anything written since I last saw her, so not looking forward to that. I get to work and check my email, and there's an email about a weight loss competition going on. I kinda laugh it off.. I actually did think about doing it, but it's based on inches lost, and even if I lose what I want to, I can't lose as much as people that are bigger than me, right? I kinda talk about that with the guy next to me.. and let it go. I start working, and then I get stuck with the girl that's training.. who is nice, but that means I'm training and not just working.. and I miss just working. Then my supervisor decides she should use my computer, and guess what? Sends me to get reruns.

During the various time I'm running around, I run into the human resources person. She asks me if I want to do the weight loss contest. I say no. She asks if I'm sure. I say yes. She says if I change my mind to find her so she can measure me. I'm upset.. probably more than I should be by this. The conversation with the guy next to me seemed to amount to neither of us needed to do this. Her saying this got interpreted as, clearly I'm fat enough that I should be joining this contest. I can't remember if it's at this point.. or if it's the SECOND time she asks me that I almost start crying. Like she stops me again and asks if I'm sure. At this point I really almost start crying. I kinda pace a bit. I grab my headphones from my purse. I ask my supervisor if I can step outside for a bit, and I start to walk outside. I go to walk out the front door.. and a bunch of lab people are out smoking. I think I could walk out to my car, but I'd have to go back and get my keys. I'm trying not to call attention to how upset I am. I just stand inside the entryway and breathe. I finally go back to my desk and put my headphones on and put on music and turn it up loud.. the HR lady comes to talk to my coworkers at some point during this and I have my music on loud enough not to be able to hear anything anyone says. I manage not to cry.

But yeah.. this did not help the crazy. I haven't had solid food since Sunday. I decided to try a liquid diet for a few days.. and this is like under 300 calories worth. Yesterday was about 210 and today ended up being 220. I also kept compulsively checking steps and calories burned on the FitBit as I worked. I mean I am overweight, and she doesn't know I have an eating disorder or that I've already lost over 70 pounds in less than 9 months. She doesn't know that I'm absolutely fucking insane. She doesn't know how I heard that. But I felt ok this morning because I can finally start to see my collarbones. I was reminded that I still need to lose at least 15 pounds to even be in my healthy weight range. I managed to make myself have the rest of the planned 220 calories, but I paced my apartment and took the trash out (and made an extra trip up and down the stairs) to get to 2000 calories and past 7,000 steps.

I'm so tired. I don't get to go to sleep though because I need to try to write. I think Thursday I get to sleep.