Sunday, May 28, 2017

Sleepless nights

So the first day at my parents house was largely me crying on the couch. I smuggled vodka in my bad and hid it in a closet because I knew I would go into withdrawal otherwise. Of course I drank at night in bed, but I also vomited 3 or 4 times plus several times over the previous days. So Saturday I was almost too weak to stand and walk. I managed to go grocery shopping and drink a smoothie, but it was really obvious that I was dehydrated. I finally told my parents I needed to get to the ER.

My hands were shaking so hard the nurse had to help me tie the gown. I was put on saline and a banana bag plus ativan. They did an ekg and chest X-ray and labs and another liver ultrasound. Finally at around midnight they say they were admitting me. I declined psych referral, so I am in a medical ward hooked up to an iv pump and heart monitor. Still haven't seen the doctor, but the nurse is nice. They didn't order my Seroquel, so another night with zero sleep. But I have my phone and the TV.

Seriously hope my labs are better and they will just send me home tonight with librium and potassium. Then I can make it at my parents house for a few days while the rest of my fate is decided

Friday, May 26, 2017


So I just lost my job, so rehab probably won't happen. I think they knew how badly I am doing because they apparently called my parents before even telling me. I only know because I called them asking to come over and my dad said he already knew and was going to pick up my mom and then come get me and the cats. I don't know what I am going to do. My dad said he would come get us and we will figure things out, so the cats are in carriers and I packed some clothes. I am not going to lie. I also packed the vodka I just bought because unless the plan is hospital, I legitimately need it. Both my cats decided to hide under the bed, so I had to fish them out despite the boss having to hold doors for me because I barely have strength to open them. When she walked me out she said to take care of myself. I wanted to say I'd probably be dead in a few days, but that probably wouldn't end well. Instead I just left. I first called my parents house and then my mom's phone and then my dad who answered. That's when I found out he knew, which I honestly think was so unprofessional of them. If they were that worried, at least let me call before leaving and not call before even telling me. I went home and packed some clothes and drank some vodka. I haven't really processed this. I am trying just not to do anything stupid (besides the vodka) before my parents get here. I did text my therapist and a friend. I haven't heard back from my therapist yet. I have a coworker who is leaving soon and they were collecting money for a goodbye gift, so as I was walked out I gave the boss the money for it because it seemed the right thing to do. I asked her to give it to the supervisor for me. I did enjoy my time at the company, and I appreciate what I learned. I will try not to turn this into an excuse to die. I have been unemployed before although I was pretty happy to be fired from that he'll. This is so much more awkward because I had friends here. Like I said. I am choosing not to think until my parents are here. I imagine that I will cry a lot. I am just not thinking until I am somewhere safe.

Thursday, May 25, 2017


So my therapist is really pushing me to look into going to a residential treatment program. I told her how hopeless it all seems. I mentioned how sick I have been. I threw up three times at work Tuesday and again walking to my car. Tonight I threw up in my parent's driveway because I am just too stupid to understand that I can no longer expect to make it home before I get sick. I have zero energy because I am living off vodka and pedialyte basically.

I am considering it. There's 2 places she is recommending. One is in Texas but it's a minimum of 45 days and then the person she knows that works there mentioned their center in Florida which is 30 days. It is not in network for my insurance but he told her if my out of network benefits would pay, he would treat it like it was in network. She is trying to get me a scholarship to cover any cost. I just don't know if I can get the time off work. I have no pto left but I still have some medical leave. I don't know how much or how understanding they will be since I have taken so much already. I would rather go somewhere closer, but she had a good point that I only really made progress on the bulimia when I went away to residential and that was in another state. I did rehab once but that facility was really a waste of time. Therapy was mostly lectures. They didn't even have a psychiatrist, and they were aware that I purged every meal and only recommended I sit with other patients after meals. So yeah, not going back there.

The other option is another detox, but my last couple attempts at psych wards have been borderline traumatic because of incompetent staff and scary patients. Plus obviously, it didn't work. I just got worse when I went home.

So it's something to think about. I would need to discuss it with work because a big factor is knowing that I will have a job when I get out. In the meantime, I am just trying to survive. I still am reciting Hamlet in my head. Tonight's appropriate lines "Thus conscience does make cowards of us all, and thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er the pale cast of thought" because thought is definitely not my friend. I probably just need to just go. That's how it pretty much worked when I went to Remuda. I just called and set up the intake and a few weeks later was on a plane to Arizona.

I did actually talk a little to my parents about it. That was awkward. I had told them my stomach was upset because I knew I couldn't eat much at dinner. Then I mostly just said that my therapist was looking at rehab.

Monday, May 22, 2017

On top of everything else

So I am having pretty much the worst day.

If you read my last post, you will know that I am really struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. So I really did not fucking need this.

I get to work and am told that people on more than 10% qc are no longer allowed to close reruns. The manager then says that because of some errors on my qc cases I am back to 100%. So I am basically useless. She says that while giving me one of her soul piercing stares because I am trying to hold back tears and curled up in my chair. She says that I need to not take this as a negative thing (like how? WTF?). She asks if I am OK and I mumble something about having not been doing well.

I go about what work I can do. My supervisor offers to send me home because really I can't do anything without anyone checking it, so everything I do is pointless. I try to tell her I feel useless and leave after some crying.

Now it feels like the one thing in my life that I was doing OK at is gone, and I am trying so hard to see a point in living. I went to Walmart and bought popsicles and razor blades, but I haven't used them. I am currently drinking in bed. I don't know tomorrow if I should tell the manager more about what is going on because I know if I am fully honest with anyone they will think I need to be in hospital. I probably do, but it seems pointless. The last few stays just made things worse. I don't want to worry them, but people should worry? Because I don't see any way out of this. I truly believe if I lose this job I will kill myself. I don't know how much longer I can keep functioning. My life is in shambles. I just want out. I just want to be someone else. For now, I am drinking and trying not to think. I didn't need this. I don't know how long I can pretend to function. I don't know how to tell them how bad it has gotten. I don't even know how to comprehend how bad it has gotten. I only apparently know how to drink and sleep.

Words of encouragement or advice are welcome. I am failing at life.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Please read

Guys, I don't think I am hiding this breakdown well. I hate to be "that" person, but if anyone reads this I need some encouragement.

I am feeling so hopeless, and I don't think I am hiding it well. I got to work and am not sure how many people I talked to, but I looked in the mirror and realized I had a smear of dried blood on my nose from where I had picked at a spot. No one said anything, so thank god I looked. Then later at dinner time I was sitting sadly and eating popcorn because I was nauseous and nothing else sounded good. One of the lab techs was leaving and said goodbye. Then she paused and asked how I was doing and if everything was ok. I hardly see or talk to her, so I feel I must look like shit for her to ask. I just said I was tired and it had been a long week. Then after she left, I started crying while eating my damn popcorn.

I am such a mess. It all feels so hopeless. I threw up at work tonight and had chest pains. I really feel like I might kill myself, but I am trying not to. I almost called my mom just to hear her voice. I ended up texting a friend. I just don't know how to dig my way out of this hole. I don't see a hope of future. I am just going through the motions. I have to work tomorrow and am debating calling in sick because I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be a functional human being. I can't even check my email or voicemail. This really feels like a breakdown, but I don't know what to do. Hospital never seems to help. I considered asking to stay with my parents for a few days. I am still considering it. I need some reminder that I am wanted in this world. Currently, I am relying on my cats. I need someone to help me sort out my life. I am honestly considering asking my mom to pretend to be me and make some phone calls to sort out bills because I am too scared to talk on the phone. I just can't even do basic things anymore, and I am ashamed to admit how bad it is. I don't even know where to start.

So I am starting with this. If you have any words of encouragement, I need them. If you have any advice, I need it. Because I can't keep this up much longer. I am so tired and hopeless. I am not actively suicidal, but I don't really see any other way for this to end and don't know what to do. I hate to be that person seeking attention, but I am so tired and so scared and don't know how it got so bad.

Friday, May 19, 2017

Off days

I am struggling. I feel my posts are becoming redundant, but I don't know where else to say this.

I felt almost targeted in the meeting at work today. The supervisors talked about coming to them if we have a bad day or something going on that is affecting our speed. They said we should talk to them so if someone questions our metrics they know why we might be slow. I then spent the night debating talking to mine because I am just not doing well.

I am suicidal, but I don't want to go to hospital. I am not handling life. I don't check my email or voicemail. I need to call my insurance over a claim that wasn't paid. I have debt collectors calling over some hospital bill I can afford to pay but just can't bring myself to talk on the phone. I am basically failing at functioning.

Wednesday I had planned to go to lunch and target and the pet store. I only managed lunch and then went home and slept most of the day. I did manage to go to therapy Thursday and stopped at Whole Foods. My parents were out of town mother's Day, so I bought belated gifts. I managed the scary task of going to the bakery and asking for some mini cheesecakes. The man was actually super nice and gave me an extra for free. I also bought her a plant that she really liked. I had intended on flowers, but a plant lasts longer. The cashier seemed to be glaring at me, but I survived the whole thing. I feel very pathetic for how hard simple tasks have become. Like I planned for 2 or 3 days to buy groceries but simply couldn't. I did laundry yesterday, and it is still in my car because I don't know if I have enough energy to carry it.

Why do I even bother living if I can't buy groceries or carry my laundry? What is the point? I try to fix my thoughts on my parents and my cats. I have always been afraid that my cats might end up in a shelter if I die. I doubt my parents would do that, but there is still fear. I would hate for them to die because no one adopted them and that's how shelters are. I also try so hard to think of my family and how they would have to deal with my death for the rest of their lives. I am really trying to remember it is not about me.

So I am sorry for being repetitive. I am just trying so hard to stay alive.

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all

Thus conscience does make cowards of us all..

I am quickly becoming suicidal again. I am not coping well.

Work was... drama today. I don't do well with drama.

Monday and Tuesday there are less people working. The analyst that works morning has been rather stressed and communicated this to me. Today the assistant supervisor left without doing some tasks he said he would do. After trying to sort this out, she told me about how this person has basically bragged about getting another analyst fired. My supervisor became involved in the discussion, which was basically her fear he might target her if she complains. My supervisor (who should know better) mentions how this person asked while I was on medical leave if I had left. I know this is a fairly benign question, but I am nervous about anything said about me being gone unexpectedly. I am also constantly afraid of being fired because I have seen so many people fired.

So I wasn't able to hide my anxiety well. I have started biting my nails in addition to picking at my face. At some point my supervisor asks if I am OK, and I said yes (while biting my nails). She decided we should talk because obviously I wasn't. I tried to explain that I can't handle drama and gossip. I also don't like the fear that anyone might be targeted for being fired. I hate how the whole atmosphere at this company can become fear. I have gone through this before and I had hoped when she became supervisor it would be better. I am being pressured by her to go to the manager about some things with the other supervisor. I am getting the stress passed on from the analyst on his shift. I am not really able to cope but have been told I need to work on stress management. Another analyst had already asked what was going on because it was apparent something was wrong, and I tried to just say it wasn't important.

My supervisor insisted I talk to the boss. She basically said I need to rise above the gossip, so I felt like an idiot trying to explain things. I made an effort after to joke and be talkative because I felt bad for freaking out, but I really just wanted to sleep or die. I am so afraid that this will get brought up again. I don't do drama. I want work to be the one place I feel successful. I need it not to be more anxiety because I am generally failing at life. Like I am fairly certain that I have a hospital bill that has gone to collections because I can't even check my mail or answer my phone. I am failing at life and I need work to be a place I can forget that because I am good at my job.

I left today incredibly anxious and wanting to cry. I don't know how much more I can handle or how long until I end up in hospital again, but it seems inevitable.

I really am trying. I know I should take my meds, but it all seems hopeless. I try so hard to remind myself that suicide isn't logical. Not existing is not better than existing. I don't 100% believe in heaven, so I may well be choosing not existing. It reminds me of in Hamlet where he says "
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of" and that if I knew what would happen, I would try to kill myself.

So I am struggling. I don't know what to do. Nothing has ever truly worked. I am just trying to stay alive.