I am really struggling with being out of the hospital. I am back to wondering if I am really capable of living. I remember times where I was able to go to school or work and be good at things. I don't know what happened. I don't know if I just reached a certain age and ran out of that ability, or somehow alcohol fucked it all up. Except before alcohol, I had bulimia and self harm, and I managed ok.
I am pretty suicidal again. I keep thinking of my family. Is it worse for them to lose me or to live with a daughter who cannot live outside of the hospital? My dad is out of town for work. My mom was supposed to go with him, but now she is here keeping an eye on me. My birthday was yesterday, and we haven't really celebrated. They are spending money to feed me and take care of me. I can't possibly ask for gifts because I feel too guilty about being the 31 year old daughter that can't take care of herself. Except, I still believe that there is something inherently wrong with me that makes me unable to live. I think I was born defective.
I am still suicidal. I hate the question about having a plan because to me it is normal to have a plan. I am trying to just give ECT a shot. I am trying not to think about the future. I still honestly feel like escape is better. So I am drinking.. except that may lead to the need for detox.
I want to plan for the apartment. I want to think about working. I need to be focused on no more than tomorrow.
I am bothered by something small. I went on facebook because I knew people wished me happy birthday. One friend said happy birthday and she hopes I am doing ok. It just made me wonder what everyone thinks. How obvious is it that I am going crazy?
I don't do this often, but if you read this I could use some comments. I don't know what. I just want someone to tell me to keep fighting. I want to believe that I have a future. I want to believe that I am not just a mistake that is inconveniencing my family. I don't know how to turn all this into something positive. I just keep thinking that it would hurt less to end it now. It would hurt me and everyone else less.
Tonight I drink to avoid doing anything worse. I know that I could do worse. Instead I will try for now to stay alive.